Traffic and accommodation problems are increasing and government should encourage some businesses to move from cities to rural areas.
Does the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Original Essay
An increasing number of vehicles and buildings is overwhelming so some businesses are being encouraged to relocating their offices to somewhere less crowded. Although I tend towards the viewpoint that relocation will solve this contrerversial problem but this solution will cause some inconvenienences and disadvantages for both customers and companies.On the one hand, relocation can help the urbanisation problem. The shortage of jobs along with young people’s need to pursue a career, are the two main reasons of rural depopulaton. Moving businesses from crowded places to rural ones will balance workforces between cities and countrysides, which helps urban areas not being overpopulated from migration. Another benefit of relocation some businesses is traffic congestion. People will tend to use public transportation instead of their private cars for longer destination to save the traveling cost. This also prevents car accidents after a frustrated working day when people are very tired and don not suit for driving.On the other hand, moving between urban areas and non-urban areas will cause some inconvenienences for people who already live in cities. Changing their workplaces also means young people probably have to change their lifestyles for young people, such as their daily routines. But people with families will have to move to rural areas to live as a family with lower living conditions, which is not easily to give up. Moreover, some businesses like service companies will have some troubles while moving from cities because most of their potential are in big cities. People in urban areas need more service compared to rural ones such as healh care, restaurants, technologies, furnitures.In conclusion, it seems to me that the disadavantges of moving businesses between cities and rural areas will outweight the advatages it brings due to previous reasons.
Corrected Essay
An increasing number of vehicles and buildings is overwhelming so some businesses are being encouraged to relocating relocate their offices to somewhere less crowded areas. Although I tend towards to the viewpoint that relocation will solve this contrerversial problem but ( a comma ) this solution will cause some inconvenienences and disadvantages for both customers and companies.
- Encouraged to is to followed relocate, not relocating.
- Controversial is too generic. You need to find another word. I suggest using ‘serious”
- You need to put a comma after the dependent clause (see: Although I tend …, this)
- Inconvenienences and disadvantages sound too close. Not only this, both are too vague when they are put in the thesis statement.
- Your second sentence should be clear as to help readers understand what points will be discussed in the following paragraphs. Let me give you an example:
Although relocation will solve this serious problem, the viable solution cannot undermine some disadvantages such as a different lifestyle, low standard of living, and poor public facilities.
On the one hand, relocation can help tackle the urbanisation problem. The shortage of jobs along with young people’s need to pursue a career, are the two main reasons of rural depopulaton The shortage of jobs for young people is the main reason of rural depopulation. Moving businesses from crowded places city centres to rural ones outskirts will balance workforces between cities and countrysides those different places, which (stop here). By doing so, helps overpopulated urban areas not being overpopulated from as a result of massive human expansion can be reduced. Another benefit of relocation some businesses companies is to relieve traffic congestion. People will tend If this initiative works well, the majority of workers will leave their cars at home and tend to use public transportation for money and time efficiencies because of the longer distance from home to office instead of their private cars for longer destination to save the traveling cost. This also prevents car accidents after a frustrated working day when people are very tired and don not suit for driving (stop here). This also prevents employees from car accidents after a frustrated working day.
- Change help into Tackle as the latter phrase collocates with problem.
- The second sentence contains a minor problem of subject-and-verb agreement
- Rural areas is counted as 2 words, so I change it with outskirts. One word is much better than two words.
- I use a passive form to emphasize the overpopulated areas
- As to avoid being repetitive, then I change businesses into companies
On the other hand, Apart from the merits, moving between urban areas and non-urban areas will cause some inconvenienences difficulties for people who already live in cities city dwellers. Firstly, changing their workplaces also means young people probably have to change their lifestyles for young people, such as their daily routines. But Furthermore, people with families will have to move to rural areas to live as a family with lower living conditions, which is not easily highly likely to give up. Moreover, some businesses like service companies will have some troubles while moving from cities because most of their potentials are in big cities. Lastly, people in urban areas need more service compared to rural ones such as healh health care, restaurants, technologies, and furnitures accomodation.
- To link the idea from the previous body paragraph, then I use the phrase “ Apart from the merits”, not to use” On the other hand” as there is no strong comparison between the first and second body paragraphs.
- City dwellers is the most appropriate phrase
- The second phrase of young people I omit as to show repetition
- Some appropriate transitional signals are added to link the ideas among sentences
- Furnitures is uncountable noun
In conclusion, it seems to me that the disadavantges disadvantages of moving businesses between cities and rural areas will outweight outweigh the advatages advantages it brings due to previous aforementioned reasons
- The concluding paragraph is fine, but too generic. If you could, then leave your personal thought towards the issue.
Overall: 5.5
- Task Response: 5
✓ addresses the task only partially; the format may be inappropriate in places (due to the unclear thesis statement)
✓ expresses a position but the development is not always clear and there may be no conclusions drawn
✓ presents some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed; there may be irrelevant detail (the second body paragraph lost in cohesion)
- Coherence and Cohesion: 5
✓ presents information with some organization but there may be a lack of overall progression (due to the underdeveloped second body paragraph)
✓ makes inadequate, inaccurate or over use of cohesive devices (the author used “but”, in the first sentence)
✓ may be repetitive because of lack of referencing and substitution
✓ may not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be inadequate
- Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
- Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
