WRITING TASK 2
Write about the following topic.
Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products any ware in the world. Is it a positive or negative development?
Original Essay:
It is true that the world is becoming a global village through an enormous development in the technology. People are able to get their desired items in every part of the world quickly and without any barriers, which I intend to be a positive step towards the global advancement.
First of all, the world has become a global village. In other words, people can get whatever, and wherever they want. For instance, last year, one of my Chinese friends, he visited me and expressed his desire to eat “Sochiani”, which is a special and traditional Chinese cuisine. By a single search through the internet on my mobile, I got to know the specialized available restaurant for that food in my city, which I ordered for the dinner and make him propitiated. This clearly shows that due to such globalized world everything is possible and accessible.
Equally importantly, though, this development has broadened our horizon and has a very positive impact on our society. To illustrate this, if we look at the example of an Iphone, which is made by America, assembled in China, and available all over the world. The technical staff for the repair and maintenance is available in every country, and the majority of them are local dwellers of their countries. Apart from the reduction in the unemployment, it is contributing to strengthen the economy of these states.
By way of conclusion, it is an indisputable fact that globalization has revolutionized the whole world, and I am of the opinion that the advantages of such development outweigh its pitfalls. I hope that such development should be continued in other to make the globe a better place for the human being.
Corrected Essay
It is true that the world is becoming a global village through an enormous development in the technology. People are able to can get their desired items what they want in from every part of the world quickly and without any barriers, which I intend to be which is, in my opinion, a positive step towards the global advancement.
- Good vocab: “global village”
- Most of the time, “can” is better than “be able to”, because the former has the same meaning yet it is shorter.
- “Their desired items” is kinda unnatural to a native speaker.
- The phrase “without any barrier” has many problems. First, it is unclear that what kind of “barrier” is being mentioned here (a geopolitical barrier?). Second, phrase like “without any” asserts a very strong and loud opinion, which I wouldn’t recommend at all. In the IELTS test (or in any academic context), the author is expected to write with cautious language, which means she cannot jump to conclusion unless she has provided a proof for his argument.
- The verb “to intend” is not a synonym of “to think”.
First of all, the world has become a global village. In other words, people can get whatever, and wherever they want. For instance, last year, one of my Chinese friends, he visited me and expressed his desire to eat “Sochiani”, which is a special and traditional Chinese cuisine. By a single search through on the internet on my mobile, I got to know the specialized available restaurant for that food in my city, which I ordered for the dinner and make him propitiated satisfied. This clearly shows that due to such globalized world everything is possible and accessible.
- The second sentence in this paragraph is an example of poor cohesion. “The world has become a global village” doesn’t necessary means that “people can get whatever they want”, because the buyers are still restricted by their budgets, or the geographical distance.
- The third and fourth sentences are examples of a logical error named hasty generalization. Just because the writer can quickly get a Chinese meal doesn’t mean that “everything is possible and accessible”! Hasty generalization is perfectly okay in the IELTS Speaking test, but not in the Writing one (unless the author has provided an evidence, then he can follow up with an anecdotal example).
- Overall, the author made many strong claims, but she failed to provide adequate support. I would suggest her to learn about hedging in writing (the way of making cautious claims).
- There are some grammatical mistake in the third sentence. “One of my Chinese friends” is not an independent clause, and because the author has not mentioned the name of her friend, such a phrase is considered as a sentence fragment.
- Another major grammar mistake is presented in the fourth sentence. In the sentence “I got to know the specialized available restaurant for that food in my city, which I ordered for the dinner”, the direct object of the first clause (what the author got to know) is “restaurant”, but the direct object of the second clause (what is ordered for dinner) is “that food”. So here we have two different direct objects in a sentence, therefore we cannot link them by using “which”.
- Good vocab: globalized
Equally importantly, though, this development has broadened our horizon and has a very positive impact on our society. To illustrate this, if we look at the example of an Iphone iPhone, which is made by America an American brand, assembled in China, and available all over the world. The technical staff engineers for the repair and maintenance is available in every country, and the majority of them are local dwellers of their countries. Apart from the reduction in the unemployment rate, it is contributing to strengthen the economy of these states.
- The argument development appears weak in this body paragraph. The last sentence is unsupported by any evidence, and it does not link well with the previous sentence at all.
- The coherence is decent though. Both the body paragraphs aim to support the claim in the introduction.
- At least, there are some good vocab here: to broaden our horizon, to assemble, dweller.
By way of conclusion, it is an indisputable fact that globalization has revolutionized the whole world, and I am of the opinion that the advantages of such development outweigh its pitfalls drawbacks. I hope that such development should be continued in other order to make the globe a better place for the human being mankind.
- “Pitfall” is not a synonym of “disadvantage”, but rather, that of “danger”, or “peril”.
- “In order to” is very wordy. Just using “to”.
- The conclusion is logical and coherenced with the previous body paragraphs.
Words: 282.
Overall: 6.5
- Task Response: 7
✓ addresses all parts of the task (the author wrote more than 250 words and she expressed her view clearly)
✓ presents a clear position throughout the response (her opinion was consistent throughout the essay)
✓ presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to
overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus
- Coherence and Cohesion: 6
✓ arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical (many mistakes related to cohesion are presented).
✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately (there are times when the author made claims without providing support for her argument).
✗ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (the author used paragraphing in a logical way).
- Lexical Resource: 7
✓ uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
✓ uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
✓ may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
- Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 6
✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication (the author frequently made grammar mistakes, so it’s hard to give a 7 here)
