WRITING TASK 2
Write about the following topic.
Many parents today organise extra classes for their children after school and at the weekends.
Do you feel that this is a worthwhile thing to do or do you feel children have enough education at school?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Original Essay:
Nowadays, not only adults are getting busy with hours and hours working but also do the school-age children, who have to spend lots more hours on studying than their parents did before. As the fact that extra classes now become an acceptable education norm for many countries around the world, especially Asian schools, children now have to struggle much more nerve-racking problems with them than society can ever imagine.
Firstly, attending too many extra classes on weekdays and even the weekends leads to the lack of time for kids. As a result, they don’t have enough time to relax by taking up an interesting hobby such as learn how to play an instrument or playing popular sports which can improve their physical health as well as their mental health. In addition, due to the lack of time, kids are no longer hanging out with their friends or taking part in any outside activity.Hence, their ability to communicate with others and the lack of social skill now become serious issues for parents when raising their kids.
Secondly, the expectations of parents on their children put the kids under a lot of pressure as the parents want their kids to be always at top of classes and get insanely high scores for every test. According to some researchers, over-studying doesn’t make the kids become more intelligent or smarter, however, attending too many extra classes such as maths or science subjects can cause children’s cognitive impairment especially for young kids for example, kindergarten and primary school students due to a large amount of time focusing, lacking sleep and being stress. Furthermore, extra classes normally provide theoretical lessons which are mostly the same with compulsory classes while teenagers need more particular skills, for instance, critical thinking, time management, etc.
In conclusion, governments and parents should join hand to create educational systems which are more practical, creative and stress-free environment for their children and extra classes should be banned and substituted by soft skills classes instead.
Corrected Essay
Nowadays, not only adults are getting busy (busier) with hours and hours working but also do the school-age children, who have to spend lots more hours on studying than their parents did before. As the fact that extra classes now become an acceptable education norm for many countries around the world, especially Asian schools, children now have to struggle much more nerve-racking problems with them than society can ever imagine.
Nowadays,(time expression should not be the first word or phrase of a paragraph it should be added in mid or later in sentence)- lots (is an informal word)
- do the (wrong grammatical)
- Above bracketed are the ground lines which do not make any sense here in introduction as these are somehow quite general.
- Introductions paragraph must not mention details out of prompt given.
- It should be specific and concise to the prompt
- This introduction did not respond to the questions in the topic (do you feel that this is worthwhile…?)
- No clear thesis sentence is mentioned which shows a clear path of the essay.
- Wrong grammatical structure of (not only….but also).
Firstly, attending too many extra classes on weekdays and even the weekends leads (lead) to the lack of time for kids. As a result, they don’t have get enough time to relax by taking up an interesting hobby such as to learn how to play an instrument or playing popular sports which can improve their physical health as well as their mental health. In addition, due to the lack of time, kids are no longer hanging out with their friends or taking part in any outside (outdoor) activity ies. Hence, their ability to communicate with others and the lack of social skill now become serious issues for parents when raising their kids.
- Firstly (use an introductory phrase instead not the sequence)
- taking up (avoid phrasal verbs having multiple meanings)
- Hence, their ability to communicate with others and the lack of social skill now become serious issues for parents when raising their kids. –> This last sentence is contradiction because topic sentence mentions lack of time and this sentence discusses skills with no relevant link.
- This paragraph has limited topic sentence which sometimes contradicts to the supporting or closing sentences.
- It has grammatical errors in verbs, preposition, wrong words such as (outside activities)
Secondly, the expectations of parents on from their children put the kids under a lot of pressure as the parents want their kids to be always at top of classes ranking and get insanely high scores for every test. According to some researchers, over-studying doesn’t make the kids become more intelligent or smarter, however, attending too many extra classes such as math or science subjects can cause children’s cognitive impairment especially for young kids for example, kindergarten and primary school students due to a large amount of time focusing. Due to the Focus on study for large amount of time, lacking sleep and being stressed. Furthermore, extra classes normally provide theoretical lessons which are mostly the same with compulsory classes while teenagers need more particular skills, for instance, critical thinking, time management, etc…
- Secondly (this connector should introduce paragraph not to sequence)
- however (this connector should be in opposite ideas not in two same ideas)
- Secondly, the expectations of parents
onfrom their children put the kids under a lot of pressure as the parents want their kids to be always at top ofclassesranking and get insanely high scores for every test (this topic sentence has no clear link with the given prompt by examiner. (It should be related to the last sentences mentioned in the prompt) - This ending sentence of paragraph does not have any link with the main topic or topic sentence mentioned.
- No proper coherence and cohesion devices are used.
- Slight grammatical mistakes are noticed in this paragraph.
In conclusion, governments and parents should join hand hands to create such kind of educational systems which are more practical, creative and stress-free environment for their children and extra classes should be banned and or substituted by soft skills classes instead.
- governments (no new words or ideas are allowed if they are not mentioned earlier in main body)
- Conclusion should always be the summary or mentioned points in main body and introduction and should be the suggestions on the basis of aforementioned ideas not the direct ideas.
- Conclusion should also have a clear topic sentence which is not here.
- Some extra unnecessary words are used which change the meaning of the text in this last paragraph.( environment, instead, government)
Overall: 5
- Task Response: 5
✓ responds to the task only in a minimal way or the answer is tangential; the format may be inappropriate (This essay did not completely respond the prompt or the main theme of the topic.).
✓ presents a position but this is unclear (Introduction does not fully paraphrase the prompt or topic which later creates problems and contradictions in the thesis and topic sentences).
✓ presents some main ideas but these are difficult to identify and may be repetitive, irrelevant or not well supported
- Coherence and Cohesion: 4
✓ presents information and ideas but these are not arranged coherently and there is no clear progression in the response (There was no flow of the topic technically among the paragraph).
✓ uses some basic cohesive devices but these may be inaccurate or repetitive (No connector or transitions are used properly which can promote one idea to the other idea. Some connecting devices are used inappropriately).
✓ may not write in paragraphs or their use may be confusing
- Lexical Resource: 5
✓ uses a limited range of vocabulary, but this is minimally adequate for the task
✓ may make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader
- Most of the words are repeated except some.
- Limited words are used.
- No synonyms or antonyms are observed but still conveying the message.
- Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
✓ uses only a limited range of structures
✓ attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences
✓ may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader
- Many grammatical errors are observed and are marked which reduce the band level.
- No variety in grammatical structures is observed.
- There are limited complex sentences.
