IELTS Writing Task 2: The goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods (Corrected essay)

The goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods. Many people assume that the goal of every country should be to produce more materials and goods.

To what extent do you agree or disagree that constantly increasing production is an appropriate goal?

Original Essay:

It is thought by a majority of people that, to enhance the manufacturing of various things should be the major goal of countries. Since it results in both blessings and curse to human kind; this essay aims to find the controversial issues related to augmentation of production.

It can be stated undoubtedly that, a country can never soar its development without boosting its material production. Moreover, to meet the demands of ever growing population it needs to produce goods related to basic needs as food, clothing etc. Third world countries especially the least developed countries always feel such pressure. Besides this, in order to alleviate poverty from country there is a constant stress of enhancing GDP which in turn demands for continuous production. Every nation wants to keep them abreast with the flow of globalization, hence tend to manufacture more and more materials. If excess local product can be exported for example, foreign currency will be obtained and thus countries can catch the global market.

However, tendency to increase production may cause negative consequences. When a country is in the mode of boosting market, it may often unaware of environmental soundness. More factories means more wastes and if such wastes cannot be managed carefully and properly, great havoc may occur such as air pollution, water pollution etc. Additionally it is irony that high production does not always suppose to eliminate scarcity of people until the yields are properly distributed. Lastly, the principle of long term development lies on the effective and efficient utilization of resources, not in unwise surge of production.

It can be concluded that, to cope with the modern era, countries have to emphasize on producing more products. But they should also think prudentially that such production must be sustainable and eco friendly.

(Written Saifullah Omar Nasif)

Corrected Essay:

It is thought by a majority of people that, (omit the comma) to enhance the manufacturing of various things production process of goods and materials should be the major goal main objective of countries. Since it results in both blessings and curse to human kind; Although this idea meets growing demands, this essay aims to find the controversial issues related to augmentation of production. It is claimed that adverse outcomes, such as affecting damage to environment, leading to low supply responsive, and making ineffective resource allocation tend to undermine the aforementioned initiative.

• The phrase by a majority of people is to omit as most passive sentences do not have an agent, as the focus of the sentence is not on the doer of the action, but on its recipient.
• Various things is a phrase that is more suitable for oral context. When it comes to written English, it is always good to be specific.
• This paragraph has unclear thesis statement although the writer attempts to develop it in the second and third paragraphs, but the idea lacks connection at the sentence level.

It can be stated undoubtedly that, Undoubtedly, a country can never soar tends to accelerate its development without boosting its material production a level of manufacturing productivity. Moreover, as to meet the growing demands of ever growing population it needs to produce goods related to basic needs as food, clothing etc. Third world countries especially the least developed countries always feel such pressure. Besides this, in order to alleviate poverty from country there is a constant stress of enhancing GDP which in turn demands for continuous production. Every nation wants to keep them abreast with the flow of globalization, hence tend to manufacture more and more materials. If excess local product can be exported for example, foreign currency will be obtained and thus countries can catch the global market. If this runs well, then overall economic activity of a country can be improved. Indonesia as the third world country gauges the health of economy based on the rise in domestic revenue from its natural materials: metals and gold. Meanwhile, price competitiveness of its local textile and garment exports pertains to the EU. This will result in a higher level of GDP in the long run and alleviate the poverty threshold in this country.

• Since the ideas are often not 100% certain, then it is suggested using hedging phrases to reduce the certainty of statement. Hence, change can never soar into is less likely to accelerate
• This paragraph lacks a topic sentence. A strong topic sentence includes the outlines and your opinion. I have made some changes. Please check them.
• In the third sentence, the writer attempts to show an example, but the one presented still needs more details.

However, A tendency to increase production may cause negative consequences. When a country is in the mode of boosting market, it Boosting productivity may often unaware of can has a significant impact on environmental soundness. More factories means mean more wastes and if such wastes cannot be managed carefully and properly, great havoc may occur such as air pollution, (omit the comma) and water pollution etc. India has a few environmental laws controlling factory production, and thus since the last four years, the number of people who die due to air pollution each year has increased massively in this developing country. Additionally, it is irony that high production does not always suppose to eliminate scarcity of people until the yields are properly distributed. high production does not help guarantee to eliminate the scarcity if goods and materials cannot be distributed properly in municipalities via local retail merchants. Lastly, the principle of long (hyphen) term developments lies on the effective and efficient utilization of resources, not in an unwise surge of production.

• The topic sentence is clear, although a minor mistake, like missing an article, still appears.
• By putting negative consequences, we already know that this paragraph is a stark contrast to the previous one. Using However makes redundant.
• The second sentence is too wordy, so I shorten it. Thus, the message delivered is easy understand.
• This paragraph has no evidence, so I add one by pointing India as an example. It is always better to have some evidence that support your point. Straight-up evidence is the best way to convince skeptical readers so as that they accept your claim. Not only this, evidence shapes smooth sentence flows.
• The last point (efficiency utilization resource) is poor cohesion, although you attempt to add a transitional signal exactly upfront the sentence. “long-term developments” needs more in-depth discussion as this idea is too bulky. It is always better to be specific, meaning that you define what the developments mean.

It can be concluded that, In conclusion, to cope with the modern era, countries have to emphasize on producing more products. But However, they should also think prudentially that such their production must be sustainable and eco (hyphen) friendly.

• The concluding phrase is too complicated. Make your phrase clear and concise. In conclusion is much better to show that you know how to use precise expression in few words.
• Do not start your sentence with but as it leads score lower in Coherence and Cohesion. However is more appropriate to replace but.
• Change such into their. You’d better remove any ambiguity concerning referencing

Words: 295

Overall: 6.0

Task Response: 6

        ✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others (the author has written 295 words and addressed the topic question)

        ✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive

✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately (the topic sentence in paragraph 2 is inappropriate)

Coherence and cohesion : 5

✓ Presents information with some organization but there may be a lack of overall progression

✓ Makes inadequate, inaccurate or over-use of cohesive devices (however, besides this, but)

✓ May be repetitive because of lack of referencing and substitution (such written twice, there is)

✓ May not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be inadequate (Paragraph 2 is too vague. The last point in paragraph 3 is a sidetrack)

Lexical Resource: 6

           ✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task (alleviate poverty, basic needs)

           ✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy

           ✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

           ✓ uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms

           ✓ makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication.